Amend: I am-end… closure, the past tense of amen

Did you ever have someone who was very difficult for you to deal with, yet they just seemed to be there, always.  For some reason you didn’t throw them away.  Everyone else did… but you just can’t seem to do it.  It’s like you can see their goodness when others can’t.  So, you learn to protect yourself… yet still be there for them.  You always tell them the truth you see in them; you learn that anger doesn’t work here.  Why would you get angry at a sick friend?  Often you think; ‘they’re draining the life right out of me’ and then you remember… there is no end to love, it’s infinite, it’s like the air we breathe.  I never worry about having enough; it’s everywhere…  so you dig a little deeper.   It’s a mystery to you, where the words come from, but somehow, even when you don’t think you have any…  they’re there.  At times like these the gratitude just wells up inside you and you recognize what a gift this person is to you because you can feel that loving presence become who you are… unconditional love… no requirements… agape love…  and you weep like a baby.

As you learn to detach yourself and just offer the truth with no expectations… sometimes they change; the ones that can… and then there are the other type that can’t change.  They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.  One way or another, they leave you.   But they are never really gone.  They have become a part of you… a very powerful and important part, for they have helped  you remember unconditional love, the only true love, agape love, God love.  Once we remember who we truly are, we are never satisfied with anything else, and it changes us forever.

I had such a person in my life, maybe many, but this one I didn’t throw away.  He is gone… yet he remains, still helping me wake up from my nightmare of separation.  I remember him coming over to my house time and time again…  the endless phone calls, sometimes ten or more a day… the opportunities he gave me to remember who I am… every time I answered the call.  How my mind would struggle to surrender the story I made up about how much work this guy was…  I’m sure I wasn’t always loving… he’d often ask me “why do you put up with me Paulie”.  And God would use me to talk to him about unconditional love… again.

Like most things in life, I didn’t know what was happening when it happened; I only got to look at in retrospect.  I hurt a lot of people in my life, some on purpose but mostly it was collateral damage done by an injured mind.  In recovery, I try to repair the damage done as I go through the steps, and this is as it should be, but the real amends happens when I’m not looking.  God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform.  I got to make amends for some of my past through my friend.  As It turned out he got to make some amends to his family and me through a life insurance policy. He gave me the ability to make financial amends to the people I owe, and pay my portion of my daughter’s college education, something I would not have been able to do otherwise.

I used to wonder: Why is it that I don’t go to my creator for everything in my life instead of trying to ‘figure it out’ in my mind?   Well… here I am… three months after my friend passed away, in a Conversations with God retreat, paid for by the money from my friend…  listing to God speaking through Neale Walsch… explaining exactly why that is.  I put it here in my own words:

In order for God to experience himself in.. as… and through me… there needs to be a conceptual field that contains the opposite of that.  Where my body and mind are at, in relation to my soul (which knows exactly who I am), determines how strong (how seemingly real) the conceptual field appears in order for me to become aware of divinity… as me.  Whatever it takes for me to wake up, and recognize my divinity, whether its seemingly major problems… or maybe just the memory of that feeling of separation.  The sooner I realize…  “it’s just the field I’m looking at, not the reality” … the sooner I live… and recognize divinity… but without the conceptual field… there is nothing other than divinity… all there is… so divinity would not be able to experience itself as that.  Divinity needs the appearance of something that is not to have experience of what it is.

By loving my friend, which seemed to me to be a problem at first, I now see that he represented the field to me.  Divinity, as me could see that his bi-polar behavior was not who he was, it was just his conceptual field.  As I began to look for (real eyes) the divinity in him, and ask for the divinity in me for the words to speak to him… the field would collapse… often bringing one or both of us to tears.  For me, the tears were of ecstasy of the presence of God that moved through us.  And in that moment we are both healed, only in that moment of now.  But it is always now.

When I ask God why anyone would have to have bi-polar disorder… I saw that we all do… we go from believing in separation to realization of our divinity all the time… we’ve been living in a world of duality and we are evolving to real eyes we are triad beings, soul mind and body.  My mind is not for figuring out my soul, it is for carrying out my soul’s agenda.  The truth is my friend represented the conceptual field for everyone he came in contact with; just as we all do for each other.

As another wonderful “bringer of the light”, Stephen Covey, says;  “between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space lies my freedom to choose my response, in my response is my freedom and my happiness”.

The soul’s agenda… it really is ‘the Only Thing That Matters’.  Thank you Neale!

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